Healing Flame

I sold my piano yesterday. Haven't played it in six years. Used to play every day. Majored in music. Thought it was my whole identity. Then life happened and somewhere along the wa…

I stopped drinking. Not dramatically. Not because of a rock bottom moment. I just realized one day that every good feeling I had was something I'd borrowed from a bottle and had to…

cant stop thinking about the thing my ex said in the last text he ever sent me. not even a mean thing. just said "take care of yourself" and left it on read after that for good. it…

My coworker brought in donuts for no reason today, said she just felt like it, and it shouldn't have meant anything but I almost cried in the break room. Nobody's done something fo…

Put an offer on a little two bedroom today, first thing that's felt like mine in two years that wasn't split down the middle in a settlement. My realtor asked if I wanted to celebr…

I don't know who I am without my job. I got laid off two months ago and I keep introducing myself by what I used to do. I'm a — I was a — I don't know what tense to use. I didn't r…

My coworker and I are on opposite sides of everything. We both know it. We've never said it. We just talk about the weather and our kids and pretend. And honestly I'm grateful. I'm…

I canceled my son's travel soccer for next season today. He's eight and honestly not even that into it anymore, he told me himself he'd rather do the rec league with his friend The…

my roommate asked if i was okay and i said yeah just tired. i wasnt tired. i was sitting there doing math about how many more months i can afford rent on my own if she moves out wi…

I muted my mom on facebook last week and I still haven't told her. Every time she posts something political I feel my stomach drop before I even finish reading it, so I just hit th…

deleted my ex's number today, finally, like four months late, and then immediately tried to remember it from memory and couldn't, which honestly stung more than deleting it did lol…

unpacked the last box today. it was just kitchen stuff, mostly stuff from the old house that I honestly forgot I even owned, and I found this ceramic bowl my ex and I got as a wedd…

sitting in the parking lot again, car's off, engine ticking, and I just can't make myself walk in yet. it's been like ten minutes. my coworker asked me last week if I'm okay and I …

My daughter drew a picture of our family today and labeled everyone, me, her dad, her, the dog, and then a stick figure off to the side labeled 'tired mom' that was also me, just a…

My husband and I had the same argument again tonight, the one about whose turn it is to deal with the school forms and the dentist appointments and all the stuff nobody sees. He sa…

I turned the news off twice today and turned it back on both times because some part of me feels like I owe it to people to keep watching, even if it does nothing but make my chest…

My manager asked me today if everything's okay at home because I've been zoning out in meetings. I said I was just tired. Didn't mention that I spent the whole thing replaying a te…

Signed the lease on the new apartment today. Second bedroom is empty because the kids are still with their dad most weeks, but I put a chair in there anyway, by the window, like so…

Sat in the church parking lot for fifteen minutes today before I actually went in. Hadn't been in maybe a year. Told myself I was just gonna listen and not sing because I didn't tr…

can't sleep but for once it's not the bad kind of can't sleep. just laid here thinking about how my roommate left the porch light on for me again. small thing. don't know why it's …

Prayed in the break room tonight. Just sat there with my coffee and said it in my head. Haven't done that in years. Don't know what brought it on. Line was backed up, boss was yell…

My neighbor Russ shoveled my driveway again this morning before I even got my boots on. Third time this winter. I keep telling myself I'll bake him something or at least put a card…

I'm the only Black person in every meeting I'm in. Every single one. And I'm exhausted in a way I can't explain to my white coworkers without it becoming A Whole Thing. It's not on…

My dad called me by my sister's name twice on Sunday. He corrected himself both times, laughed it off. But he's been doing it more. He's only 67. I don't want to say the thing I'm …

ok i need to type this out before i spiral lol. i finally gave away the stand mixer today. the one my ex's mom bought us for our 'future apartment,' except we broke up four months …

okay small thing but I need to say it somewhere. I actually finished the puzzle on my kitchen table, the 1000 piece one that's been sitting there since March collecting coffee ring…

My wife asked me last night if I'm happy. Just out of nowhere. We were doing dishes — she was washing, I was drying — and she just asked. And I said yes. And she nodded. And we kep…

I can't really explain what's wrong. I've tried. My therapist asks and I just kind of gesture at everything. It's not one thing. It's not a thing at all really. It's more like a we…

finally sent the application in. sat on it for like six weeks just staring at the tab open on my laptop. hit submit at 1am and immediately felt like throwing up a little but also l…

Was on hold with the insurance company for the third time this week, phone wedged between my ear and my shoulder while I was trying to get dinner started, and I almost missed it. M…

sat in the car an extra ten minutes today because my aunt texted the family chat another one of her rants and everyone just went quiet, no reactions, nothing, and I almost typed so…

Haven't prayed in probably four months. Not dramatically, no crisis of faith moment, just stopped. Used to do it in the car on the way to work, same ten minutes every morning, and …

My brother-in-law brought up politics at Thanksgiving last year and I didn't say anything, just kept passing the rolls and changed the subject when my husband tried to jump in. I'v…

A kid on my team, Marcus, asked me today what I'd do differently if I could start my career over. I told him to take more risks early, follow the interesting opportunities instead …

Ran into my neighbor Carol by the mailboxes today and we ended up talking for twenty minutes instead of the usual wave. She said she's been turning the news off earlier and earlier…

Went back to church for the first time in maybe six years today, sat in the back row on purpose so I could leave early if I needed to. Didn't leave early. Kept almost crying during…

Me and my boyfriend had a totally normal conversation last night about weekend plans and I've replayed it probably thirty times since then trying to figure out if he sounded distan…

My daughter had a meltdown over her math homework tonight, the kind where she just puts her head down on the table and won't talk. I lost my patience for a second and said somethin…

I had the news on low while I made spaghetti tonight and had to turn it off halfway through. My husband asked why and I said I just couldn't listen anymore, not tonight. The kids w…

I've worked at this company for eleven years and I genuinely don't think anyone would notice for more than a week if I quit. Sat in a meeting today where they thanked three people …

My mom called me three times yesterday and I let all three go to voicemail. I was sitting in my car eating a gas station sandwich and I just couldn't. I don't even know why, she di…

I've been praying for my brother for two years now, same words almost every night, and some nights I don't even believe what I'm saying anymore. He's still not sober. My sister ask…

I lied to my therapist today. It wasn't a big lie. She asked if I'd been sleeping and I said yes. I haven't. I've been awake till 3 or 4 every night this week. I don't know why I l…

quit today. well. gave notice. two weeks. I've been wanting to do it for over a year and this morning something just tipped and I walked into my manager's office and did it. And sh…

ok so my uncle texted the family group chat again with one of his rants and usually i just mute it but this time i actually typed out a whole response, like three paragraphs, fact …

My coworker Denise asked me at lunch if I was okay because I've been short with everyone lately and I said I'm fine, just tired, same thing I always say. Sat in my car after that f…

Dropped my daughter off at daycare this morning and she grabbed onto my leg crying, the whole dramatic thing, and the teacher had to kind of peel her off me. I got in the car and c…

I'm moving out of the city I've lived in for 12 years. I don't want to. But I can't afford it anymore. I packed a box today and found a birthday card from someone I haven't seen in…

Threw away the box today. The one with the letters and the photos and the concert tickets. Had it in my closet for seven years. Moved it to three different apartments. Never once o…

ok so i kept this old hoodie of his for like two years. still smelled like him for maybe the first six months then it just smelled like my closet but i kept telling myself it still…

Sat in the parking lot for twenty minutes after my shift again tonight, just staring at the steering wheel. My manager asked if I could pick up an extra closing shift this weekend …

I cried in the pantry today for about two minutes between unloading the dishwasher and starting dinner. Work emailed asking if I could cover another shift this weekend and I just s…

Okay I need to put this somewhere because I haven't told anyone. I did three loads of laundry today. THREE. Folded them too, not just shoved in the basket like usual. I also rememb…

Took her number out of my phone tonight on break. Didn't block it, just deleted it. Been three years since she left and I still knew it by heart. Don't feel better yet. Might never…

The guy two houses down, Frank, retired last spring and he's out there most mornings now just puttering around his garden, no rush to anywhere. I used to wave at him on my way to w…

Made dinner tonight between two work calls, had the phone on mute propped against the cutting board while I chopped onions. My boss emailed at 8:30pm about a deadline that was neve…

It's been three years since my wife passed and I finally gave her winter coat to the thrift store down the road last week. Held onto it longer than I probably should have, it was s…

My daughter asked me at dinner why we pray before we eat and I gave her some answer about being thankful, but honestly most nights I'm just going through the motions, half thinking…

ok so today was weird but good. forgot i had a dentist appointment, missed it, felt awful, called to reschedule and the receptionist just laughed and said happens all the time. the…

Sitting here at 11pm writing this instead of sleeping because my brain won't stop running through tomorrow's presentation. I've reworked the same slide four times tonight. My manag…

My sister asked me what she should do about her marriage and I didn't know what to tell her because I've been having the same thoughts about mine for two years. I just listened and…

My best friend from college stopped texting back sometime last spring and I never figured out why. We used to talk every single day, the kind of friendship where you narrate your w…

I signed the papers for the new apartment today and sat in my car in the parking lot for almost twenty minutes before I could make myself walk inside. It's been eight months since …

I deleted Twitter today. Not deactivated — deleted. Whole account gone. I've had it since 2010. It used to be fun. Now it just makes me feel angry and scared and hopeless in this v…

I went on a walk with no phone. Just me and the neighborhood. I noticed things I never notice. A garden with a bench. A cat in a window. The way the light hit someone's porch at 4p…

my neighbor across the street, the older guy who's out there every morning with his coffee no matter the weather, noticed my gutter was hanging loose and just fixed it himself whil…

my husband took the kids to his mom's for the whole weekend and I had the house to myself for two days. I did not clean. I did not catch up on anything. I ate cereal for dinner bot…

Here's something nobody told me: you can be doing better and still have bad days. Recovery isn't a straight line. Healing isn't either. You can have three good weeks and then a ter…

Nobody did anything wrong. That's the thing I keep having to remind myself. Nobody cheated, nobody lied, nobody was cruel. It just slowly stopped working and we both knew it and we…

cant sleep again. keep thinking about how i blocked him three weeks ago and i still check if he unblocked me back somehow, like checking a door i locked myself. idk why i do that. …

He left a sticky note on the coffee maker this morning that just said 'proud of you, good luck today.' I had a presentation at work I'd been dreading for two weeks. I read the note…

I stood in church this morning during the worship part and just mouthed the words. Haven't actually sung a hymn in probably a year. I keep going because I don't know what else to d…

My father in law brings up politics at every single dinner and I have started lying to him. He asks if I saw something on the news and I say no, I've been busy, even when I saw it …

My daughter asked me tonight if I was proud of her for losing her first tooth and I said of course, and she said no, like actually proud, not just saying it. I had to stop folding …

I prayed for something specific for almost two years, the same request every single night, and then it didn't happen the way I asked, and now I feel weird about praying at all. Not…

I turned the news off during dinner again tonight because my daughter asked why I looked so worried and I didn't have a good answer. My husband and I used to actually talk about th…

clocked out an hour ago and still thinking about the thing my coworker said in the break room. not even a big deal. just stuck. brain won't let it go tonight. tomorrow's gonna be t…

I reread an email from my boss four times before responding, trying to figure out if the short reply meant she's annoyed with me or just busy. Did the same thing last night with a …

Finally took the crib apart this weekend and put it in the garage for the neighbor's daughter who's due in March. My youngest is four now and hasn't slept in it in two years but it…

Texted my sister at midnight asking for advice about the apartment thing and then fell asleep before she answered, typical me, three unread messages from her by morning and I never…

I keep asking people what I should do about the job offer and I think I already know the answer, I just want someone else to be the one who says it out loud so it's not only my dec…

Started the new job six weeks after I moved into my own place for the first time in eleven years. I thought the hard part would be the apartment, figuring out which box had the can…

The woman at the pharmacy counter remembered my name today without looking at the screen first, said it before I even gave her my info. I don't know why that got to me the way it d…

My neighbor Carl and I used to talk every Saturday while we both did yard work, mostly about nothing, mowers and gutters. Lately he brings up the news every single time and I can f…

My manager pulled me aside today to say the report I put together saved the client meeting, and I actually had to go sit in the stairwell for a minute because I wasn't expecting it…

muted the family group chat again. third time this year. someone always has to say something and then someone else has to say something back and i just want to know if we're doing …

i got a small refund check today, $340, from overpaying taxes last year, and i cried in the kitchen for a few minutes which feels stupid to admit. it's not life changing money. it'…

I've been freelancing for two years and I'm so tired of pretending I'm doing fine with the instability. Every month is a hustle. Every client could leave. I don't have sick days. I…

The thing about rock bottom is it's solid. You can stand on it. Someone told me that when I was in the worst of it and I rolled my eyes so hard. But they were right. When everythin…

Got passed over for a promotion again. Third time. The guy who got it has been here 8 months, I've been here four years. My manager said I "need to work on my executive presence" w…

You don't have to earn rest. I need someone had told me that when I was 22. I spent my whole twenties believing I had to be productive enough to deserve a break. That's not how bod…

My son is twenty-six and lives three states away and he called me tonight, not his mother, me, to ask how long to boil an egg. Twenty minutes on the phone about eggs. We ended up t…

Deleted his number last night on my break. Guy from my old crew, owed me four hundred bucks, kept saying next week for two years. Stopped texting him about it maybe eight months ag…

My oldest friend and I don't call each other anymore, not after the last couple years of arguing about things on the news every time we talked. We used to talk every Sunday night f…

I quietly stopped going to band practice about two months ago and never officially told anyone. We used to play some dingy bar on Thursdays, maybe twelve people in the crowd if we …

I wrote a resignation email three separate times this week, got all the way to 'thank you for the opportunity,' and saved every single one as a draft instead of sending it. My mana…

I finally took her coats out of the hall closet today. Four years they'd been hanging there, I just kept walking past them every morning like they were still waiting for her. My da…

Had a work call at 6pm tonight because of the time difference and my daughter kept poking her head in asking if I was done yet so she could show me the fort she built out of couch …

Sat in my car in the parking garage for forty minutes after my shift today, not crying, just sitting. My grandmother's been gone three years now and today would've been her birthda…

The guy two houses down, Frank, fixed my mailbox without me asking. Just saw it leaning after the storm and came over with his own tools while I was at work. Didn't even leave a no…